Three Things We Can Do When Our Loved Ones Struggle

We all want to be there for our loved ones who are struggling. This is true for those experiencing trauma- including our veterans and first responders. Often, it can feel too difficult, or we don’t know where to start. “How can I ever be there for them,” we think, “if I have never gone through what they have?”

The truth of the matter is that you may not be able to fully relate. However, that does not mean that you can’t be there for your loved ones. Here, we will give you three easy, but important things that you can do for your loved one who is struggling with trauma.

Showing Up

Showing up is vital. When someone is struggling we need to be there for them. They may not like it or ask for it because they don’t want to be a burden or they want to isolate and suffer alone, but we must show up for them. This can be bringing them a meal, grabbing a cup of coffee, or even a phone call or text message.

When we show up, we want to encourage them. It doesn’t need to be anything complex. Just being there and being present shows that you care about them. There are times when they might not want to talk or want to be left alone. Show up anyway. It might not be a conversation, but you can show up in a variety of ways- including just letting them know that you are praying for them (and actually doing it).

Listening

Not just hearing what they say, listening to what they have to say. There is a difference. Hearing them is being able to repeat what they said. Listening is when we understand what they said. That means engaging in conversation with your loved one and giving them your undivided attention if they are sharing. Ask clarifying questions if it seems appropriate or just let them talk if they are opening up to you. Though it is not “counseling,” a good rule to follow is to let them share and don’t talk too much.

It is also important to understand that you are not there to “solve” all of their problems. Most of the time it is better to listen than to come up with solutions. You’re there to try to understand what they are going through and walk with them in any way that you can- not to “fix” them.

Validation

Our experiences may all be different, but they are valid- as are the feelings that come with them. One important piece of advice that I have lived by is understanding that traumatic events are like being on an elevator and we all get off on different floors. In other words, what may not have been traumatic for you might have still been traumatic for them.

When someone shares, it is important to not downplay it or give “hallmark card” solutions or Bible verses. For example, if someone is anxious, don’t tell them to not be anxious and don’t just quote Philippians 4:6, “be anxious for nothing.” Another example is if someone is depressed, don’t tell them to just be happy, or sing them the old Christian song, “The Happy Song.” Rather, understand that there are so many layers to what they are going through. Remember that we are complex as humans, so our struggles and feelings are not going to always have simple solutions. In fact, they are often going to be deep and with several layers. Sharing Bible verses are important, yes, as it is important to point them in the right direction, but don’t do it as though that is ALL they need to do.

Conclusion

These steps are simple on paper, but they are so important and they take work. Showing up isn’t just a one and done deal. It is meant to be relational rather than transactional. In listening, you may hear the same things over and over- or it may take time for them to open up to you in the first place. Be patient and continue to show up and check in on them. Finally, validation is just telling them that you “see” them. All of this is not giving permission for different actions, and it might be hard to walk with them at times- but it is worth it.

At the end of the day, if you walk alongside of them, build and maintain that relationship with them, and continue to show up because you care about them- you are on the right track.

If you have any questions or need any clarification, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me at matt@thefobministries.org.

-Matt